You have been warned ....
23 March 2020
Public places to discourage visitors with huge photos of Michael Gove
22 March 2020
Newly-discovered ancient biblical texts reveal Pharoah ignored medical advice
The bACK-to-fRONT pAGE archeological research unit has uncovered (yes it has) previously unknown advice issued to him by his Chief Medical Officer, M Oses, when the 7 Deadly Plagues started to to destroy Egyptian Society.
From the Book of The Hand of Job we read
"And Lo (truly it was) M Oses came forth unto Pharoah and saith, Master, the Plagues are upon us. There is no food because your soothsayers (who soothed greatly) said not to take arms against the locusts (or hedgefund managers). Also, they careth not when it raineth frogs and other slimey things."
And Pharoah was exceeding wrath (oh his wrath exceeded very much) and said 'So clever sandels, what do you recommend then?'
"Well as the first-born look like the most vulnerable group, self-isolate and show the medical authorities you are doing so by painting the Red Cross on your door."
"Pah, that's over-kill, or something like that."
And a vile soothsayer whispered in Pharoah's lughole "Master, verily we have too many elderly, let us be like the buffalo herd, they isolate not, some old ones die, so they die."
And Pharoah inclineth to this vile counsel and saith unto M.Oses that he was not requir-ed. Hence forth, M.Oses gathered up many of his persuasion and family and friends and departeth.
Now as the Plague took hold, even unto Pharoah's first born, he sendeth after M.Oses who by now had reach-ed the Red Sea and even took unto his chariot.
M.Oses and his entourage and tribe etc etc crossed when the tide was out but Pharoah regardeth not the treacherous tides which sweepeth in and was wash-ed away, his last words were "what did you say about washing our hands?"
M.Oses regardeth the scene and saith "All he needed was soap and warm water on his hands not charge full tilt into the bloody ocean."
And then they entered the desert where they all self-isolated for 40 years. Here endeth the Lesson."
Corona Virus - Helpful Hints
(yes they are)
For the kids
Get it right .....
(1)
"Just one Corona, Give it to me -"
"For fuck's sake, Luigi, it's 'CORNETTO'"
(2)
"Roses are blooming in Lombardy - "
"Picardy, Luigi, Picardy"
Government adviser: Great Plague
Note old-style beanie
Did someone mention "Turd immunity"?
The WISE MAN Says .....
City of Liverpool revokes ban on The Sun as toilet paper crisis worsens
With the spread of COVID-19 permeating every facet of society, Greater Merseyside has made the unprecedented move of inviting The Sun newspaper back to Liverpool.
Successful medical trial proves celebrities singing ‘Imagine’ causes Coronavirus to die of embarrassment
Celebrities have unwittingly helped in the global fight against coronavirus by finding a way to make it voluntarily die of complete embarrassment.
Other Vital News
(yes it is)
25 January 2020
United States threatening big tariffs on our products just one of the many benefits of sovereignty, insist Brexiters
Seeing the United States threaten retaliatory tariffs for us making laws they don’t like is just one of the many benefits of sovereignty, according to Brexiters today.
Reports about the Chinese coronavirus going viral have been going viral this morning.
US Senators have been doing laundry, masturbating and breaking other rules during President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial.
| News Thump Add Site | ||||||
|
|
- NHS counting down last seven days of underfunding before the extra £350 million per week arrives
- We are the authority on sex and marriage, says church that only began because Henry VIII wanted a divorce
- Church of England challenges Roman Catholicism in bid to be Christianity’s moral mafia
|
| |||||||||||
| |||||||||||
| |||||||||||
| |||||||||||
|
18 January 2020
15 January 2020 and before
Exclusive: Royal Sussexes Statement
Your country sucks, by Meghan Markle
By Her Royal Highness Meghan Markle
IN simple terms, the reason Harry and I are stepping down from Royal duties and moving to Canada is this: Britain sucks.
Much has been and will be said about our attitude to our duties, Harry’s relationship with his brother, the racism of your media. All important factors. But none as crucial as the fact that the UK is a sh*thole and we are out of here.
From your pissy weather to your crappy little towns to your stupid f**king Brexit, it sucks. The North sucks and Scotland sucks and Wales sucks and you know Sussex? That sucks too.
I’ve only been living here a few years. H has been here a lifetime. ‘Honestly Megs, Kabul or Cardiff? No contest. Kabul every time,’ he says.
So we’re ditching the whole Royal thing. We’re leaving frosty kitchen suppers with Kate and Wills behind. The Daily Mail can, as ever, go and f**k itself. Because we refuse to raise our beautiful Archie in your balls-ass country.
Canada? Fantastic cities, incredible vistas, liberal prime ministers, legal weed. Britain? Nando’s on retail parks, town centres thick with rough sleepers, and vindictive attacks on anyone with skin darker than a Greggs steak bake.
For those of you ranting about Frogmore Cottage, don’t worry. We’ll never be there. We intend to visit this dungheap as infrequently as possible. We might even put it on AirBNB.
If we never saw the UK again we’d be well pleased. Let this be my final statement as a Royal: f**k off forever.
Yours,
the Duke and Duchess of Sussex
Harold Shipman posthumously knighted for services to medicine.
Popular Right Now, The Royals, UK Politics
First post-Brexit British car rolls off production line
Mary and Joseph arrested for health tourism
"Nah, that's the lost Boeing space capsule!"
Reports are reaching us that 2 people have been arrested in Judah on suspicion of being healthcare tourists. The pair say they are parents to the future King of Kings.
A Bethlehem border guard said, “The couple were here for the census and had travelled from Nazareth. The lady was heavily pregnant and looked quite exhausted. They were detained on suspicion of health tourism. They said they were carrying the son of God. We’ve locked them in cages. Bloody immigrants.”
A health official told us, “Currently our hospitals are swamped with people who had to travel here because of the Governments own policies. Our waiting room is full of people who’ve injured themselves travelling here. We were already struggling with winter leprosy related injuries. Census related injuries are probably going to tip us over the edge.”
A Judean carpenter we interviewed as a cheap way of padding this article out, Josephus Leviticus told us, “I think it’s right they should have been arrested. I graft 72 hours a day building crucifixes and doing villa renovations to pay my taxes. They’ve put nothing into the system and think they’re entitled to healthcare because they’re carrying the son of God. I support Herod 100%.”
Government spokesman, Caligula Rees-Mogg told us, “This Government is trying its best to repair the damage caused by the previous Maccabee administration. We will require all true born people of Bethlehem to register for health care. This will make them much easier to round up when we destroy the temple in Jerusalem and take their homeland from them. We can just tell them it’s to stop health tourism and that Herod has promised to execute the first born of any such health tourists.”
“Studies show that once you let some in they all want to come. There’s already rumours that there are 3 men purportedly kings on the way. They’re bringing undeclared goods into Bethlehem. That’s putting native Bethlehem Myrrh workers out of business. And then there’s going to be loads of penniless sheep herders coming. Where are we going to put all those. Nope there’s no room at the inn.”
Josephus told us, “Brilliant idea Herod. I support him 100%. Fewer first borns means fewer people and more hospital beds. The people have spoken and execution of first borns is what they want. The policy should be unquestioningly implemented.”
The Herald understands that Mary and Joseph were last seen looking for a accommodation on TripAdvisor. They’re also planning an out of season trip to Egypt as it’s quite cheap in January.
Johnson’s “Strange Allure” to hit shops in time for Christmas
Professional stage dad Stanley Johnson has announced the launch of Strange Allure, a new fragrance, that he says marks the beginning of his son's commercial portfolio.
“While Boris’ stock is riding high, the seasonal rush to buy scent represents a great commercial opportunity,” claimed Johnson senior as he laid out plans to take Brand Boris forward in the wake of his son’s freshly secured majority and return to Number 10.
“He’s had considerable overseas investment and interference – no, sorry ‘help’ – in realising his commercial potential and this new fragrance should set a benchmark for future projects”.
The Eau de Parfum has a potent top note blend of Rioja and chicken jalfrezi, with not-so-subtle heart and bass notes of mendacity, hubris and moonshine.
A scripted treatment for an artfully shot television advertising campaign features prime minister Johnson awaking from the party from the night before amidst a scene of Conservative decadence.
James Cleverley is passed out lying face down on a rug surrounded by discarded pizza boxes, while Dilyn the dog stares intensely at a similarly unconscious Michael Gove clutching a half drunk bottle of WKD Blue.
Mark Francois is in a state of undress with his best thermal vest resembling one of Sir Les Patterson’s soiled ties.
Surveying this scene of carnage Johnson’s voice intones over the soundtrack, “I’ve got to get away. I’ve got to leave this place”.
Cutting to the next scene, we see a track-suited Johnson cycle down a country lane flanked by security forces on motorbikes.
Dismounting at a stretch of ditch, Boris buries a number of copies of the 2019 Conservative manifesto alongside a bag marked “professional and personal promises”.
The last sequence sees a suited-and-booted Boris Johnson striding down the corridors of power but, crucially, still retaining the look of blonde dishevelment he’s made his own while the voice-over whispers, “Success without integrity......I can live with that……and so can you, it seems”.
Stanley Johnson also suggested that a Western film script drawing on Greek mythology Boris has been working on and off on for the last three years – A Trojan Horse Called Brexit – may soon be in pre-production.
Six things Boris Johnson is going to pass while you're not looking
Boris Johnson passed his Brexit bill, not that you’re paying any attention. What else will he try and slip past while you’re distracted?
The Better Transportation act
Nothing to do with buses or trains, this update to the Transportation Act of 1717 will allow Britain to start shipping convicts to Australia again for crimes as diverse as sheep-stealing, persistent benefit claiming or suspicion of socialist sympathies.
The Neighbourhood Improvement act
Allows the owners of the most expensive houses in an area to decide which residents they would like to evict and permanently ban. Gentrifies, raises property values, and makes safe Tory seats even safer.
The Transatlantic Accord act
Any British laws which are not in accord with US laws, for example on gun control or taxation, will be phased out. Disagreement is officially unpatriotic and will be punished with on-the-spot fines.
The Nose Tax act
Everyone has a nose, so what could be fairer than a tax on all noses? It’s not disproportionately hurting the poor or anything. And if you don’t pay it you lose your nose. You can’t say you weren’t warned.
The Responsible Parenting act
Establishes clear responsibilities for married parents toward their children, while quietly removing all responsibilities for unmarried fathers. Illegitimate offspring will be barred from any inheritance and not allowed to admit they exist.
The Celtic Reassignment act
Grants referendums to Scotland and Northern Ireland, but with every vote for independence counting for three times more than a vote against. Will get rid of troublesome bits of the UK and ensure a permanent Tory majority until the end of time.
People who post Star Wars spoilers the new paedophiles
People who spoil your enjoyment of the new Star Wars film are worse than kiddy fiddlers, according to Twitter this morning.
With major plot points known only by the couple of million people who’ve already seen the film on the day of release, many fans have lashed out at those Twitter users intent on ruining the story for them.
As one Internet user explained, “Jesus Christ these people openly discussing what happened in The Rise of Skywalker are the scum of the earth.
“I swear they take deliberate pleasure in ruining the lives of others, like a sick pervert intent on getting themselves off.”
“Why is it so hard to simply enjoy the film in peace and keep it to yourself? Just because you watched it at midnight on the day of release doesn’t make you a better person than me.”
However one fan explained, “I watched it last night and I couldn’t wait to get on to Twitter to talk about it to all those people who haven’t seen it yet.
“God, it makes me hard just thinking about all the disappointment I’m causing.”
Star Wars fan Simon Williams said he has struggled to avoid Twitter spoilers since last night’s release, in the hope of watching it like any normal person, when he could find a couple of spare hours to do so.
He explained, “This last 24 hours has just been a case of treating everyone and everything as warily as a potential paedophile.
“This must be what it’s like to live as a Daily Mail reader?”
Boris tells Northern Ireland not to worry because he will replace ‘Good Friday Agreement’ with ‘Great Friday Agreement’
Chief Fool of the UK, Boris Johnson, has assuaged Northern Ireland’s concerns about the possible end of the Good Friday Agreement by saying the Tories will replace it with a Great Friday Agreement instead.
Northern Ireland residents are cynical and many are quick to point out that Mr Johnson talks absolute bollocks most – if not all – of the time.
The PM himself said, “Despite freedom of movement and the customs union actually holding in all in place, the Good Friday Agreement was not, in essence, anything to do with the EU.
“As such, leaving the EU won’t be a problem.
“I mean, in a very real sense it will be a problem because of that pesky ‘reality’ we all live in. But, because of our democratic will of the people, it won’t be. In the same way as spending the money from your lottery win without having won.
“Anyway, I suggest we rip up the Good Friday Agreement, based upon compromise and facts and replace it with a new, Conservative-made Great Friday Agreement, based very much upon falsities and ‘have your cake and eat it’ wishes that probably contradict each other.
“I’m not sure, I haven’t really read it.”
The Great Friday Agreement will most likely then be replaced by a TFI Friday Agreement, as the political situation in Ireland is further trivialised with a fantastic sponsorship deal, to help pay for the fallout.
NEW GOVERNMENT RULE STATES VOTERS HAVE TO BE RECOGNISED BY LAURA KUENSSBERG
New voting rules designed to prevent any political party other than the Conservatives to hold a majority include the requirement that all voters have to be recognised by BBC correspondent Laura Kuenssberg.
‘We considered insisting on photo ID, but apparently anybody can take a photo these days,’ said a government advisor, ‘even the poor and homeless have iPhones,’ he insisted. ‘And if they haven’t, I expect they can pick one up at those trendy foodbank places they like to hang out in,’ he added.
Strategists have noted that Laura appears to have first sight of many votes on and before election day and has met a lot of people – mainly Conservatives but not excluding a handful of Labour senior role holders, so it isn’t unreasonable that she acts as a filter.
‘Blimey, I’ll be busy on election day,’ said Laura today, but admitted it should be doable. ‘Apparently I can have a peerage as well, for services to the Conservative Party, but I’m not sure I could mix the two roles as the voter ID job involves working and apparently that’s not what peers are paid to do.’
FROM BEFORE THERE WAS A BEFORE
rEVIEW: "The Old Ones" - set in a Squat in London
Read it HERESchrodinger's Brexit - Dead or Alive
Cat is NOT 'dead in a ditch' HERENew Brexit Bond film to hit the country, or our wallets - BlusterBalls
HERE Luigi Boilabrocolli directs John Bercow IS 00-Brandy
TV fans delighted as Brexit renewed for yet another season
Fans of Britain’s long-running comedy-drama Brexit are today overjoyed after learning that another season of the popular show has been commissioned.
As the White House confirmed that a US-led operation has killed ISIS leader Abubakkar al Bagdhadi, supporters of President Trump have expressed their relief that he has finally achieved something nearly – but not quite – as good as the achievements of Barack Obama.
JG
No comments:
Post a Comment