tHE bACK pAGE - gasp horror shock burk-ini revelations

tHE bACK pAGE

Now, dear readers, this august* column wishes not to alarm you  ....  but, as our Garlic ... er sorry Gallic cousins across the other side of La Manche have now decided to act decisively re 'foreign and exotic' ladies insisting on disporting (possibly then deporting) themselves on elysian French beaches in head-to-toe bathing apparel, aka burkinis, we have a public duty (yes we do) to alert you to worrying signs of similar gear seen, well, all over the bally place.  Welcome to tHE bACK pAGE Illustrated Guide (yes, it is) to Notifiable Beachwear ....

* yes we know it's September ....

This business started early, as we can see, from Victorian times, and maybe even in our own town, possibly exported to colonial possessions of the epoch (i.e. most of the world) and adopted by hapless locals.   Think about it .... (do, do think)

It clearly is affecting the world of Fashion.   The armed French gendarmes policing the beach where the lady was 'instructed' to remove her offending swimwear to permitted requirement obviously said more like "Er, madame, 30% erff is nert enurffe, we need 80".   It must be about the first time on a beach moral custodians insisted a woman take off clothing to appease the law ....

Mind you, we gather local pub landlords here have had some problems .....

Religion is not immune, of course, as we can see, and it's not only moslems but christian ladies also ....  when can we expect a statement from The Vatican, we ask? (yes we do).

And next, even worse .... (increase from gasp to horror).

tbp asks (oh we do, we do) if there is not a thoroughly sexist agenda at work - that man is even more covered than the lady on the French beach, for goodness sake!

 What's worse, the evidence is there of a pretty pernicious plot to influence our young from an early age.  Now the boys toy is bad enough but the girls is thoroughly kinky to start with, and if your 13 year old son wants one for Xmas, get him to a shrink as soon as possible.  Or he may grow up to be a tory MP.  You have been warned!

So there readers, you have it in a nutshell, or a wet-suit even.

We suggest that if you see clear evidence of such subterfuge, you take careful note, or something or other.

This shows the awesome power of the uber-burkini, do we want people choking to death on Bognor Beach, we ask?   

"I find your lack of teeth disturbing."

Breaking News (or wind)

My god, too camp to be believed.   Look, lads, you're asking for a gendarme's truncheon ....   Pardon, you'd like that?   Hmmmmmm  ........

Till we meet again, Vera

Jove's Garcon