You've Got to be Joking - Emigration v.Immigration? Today's Cartoon by Matt

You've Got to be Joking - Seismic shocks rock Tonbridge Wells? Today's Cartoon by Matt

You've Got to be Joking - Those forgetful moments ... Today's Cartoon by Matt

You've Got to be Joing - Fairy delight? Today's Cartoon by Matt

tHE bACK pAGE [yes it is] - The News that isn't .....

  Run don't walk to the nearest desert island

24 June 2015

“Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’”   Michael McIntyre (December 21 1976-)

Picture: Andrew Crowley

The Original 7-Up Was A Mind-Altering Substance

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/17/7up-history_n_5836322.html

21 June 2015

Parsley: Satan Using Public Schools To Attack Children - See more at: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/parsley-satan-using-public-schools-attack-children#sthash.5u2idpeg.dpuf

Police Arrest 9-Month Old Infant on Murder Charges 

 http://latest.com/2014/04/police-arrest-9-month-old-infant-on-murder-charges/

'One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out.'

Tim Vine (March 4 1967-)    Picture: Matthew Simmons/Getty Images

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19 June 2015

Statue in a Children's Play Park in Korea  ......     er .....

'I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'

Emo Phillips (February 7 1956-)  Picture: Matthew Simmons/Getty Images

Revealed: The top ten bizarre questions posed to councils - HERE

And Spelthorne Borough Council posted this in local playgrounds re dog poo ....

TILTING @WINDMILLS?

Arab man “deported for being too handsome” to visit Vietnam

www.vietmaz.com

May 2015

ERIC PICKLES RECEIVES KNIGHTHOOD

Exclusive Photo as Tory Minister Celebrates

In his first public statement, Sir Eric, or Sir Cumference as he will be known, said "You will respect my authorit-y!  Goddammit I hate you guys.   Screw you!   I'm going home."   David Cameron was not available for comment on the record.

God announces cabinet reshuffle

Despite omnipotence, God may still need to rely on coalition with Nick Clegg.

Omnipotent Christian deity God has spent the day changing some faces in his cabinet in the first reshuffle for over 2000 years. Many involved are household names and the shake up is seen as significant on earth as it is in heaven.

The big loser is God’s long time wing man Jesus of Nazareth, whose coveted position of ‘sitting at the right hand of God’ has gone to Princess Diana. The heavenly father has recently faced fresh accusations of nepotism as well as a failure to represent females in positions of power, and has seemingly smote two birds with one stone.

The third member of the holy trinity ‘The Holy Spirit’ retains his/her/its position as minister without portfolio.

Long time keeper of the pearly gates St Peter handed in his resignation earlier in the week amid speculation of the imminent re-shuffle. St Peter’s position has been under increasing pressure over the longrunning ‘plebgate’ affair in which he’s accused of denying Nelson Mandela access to heaven and accusing Mandela of calling him a pleb, a charge Mandela has always denied. With Sir David Frost announced as St Peter’s successor, its expected Mandela will soon make another bid for access.

Perhaps the most shocking appointment is a new role for Pontius Pilate. Pilate has a somewhat chequered history within the party, however many say his martyrdom to washing his hands of things makes him the ideal candidate for Health Minister.


Cameron liberates children from forced education

David Cameron has joined in the celebration of the 200th anniversary of the birth of Charles Dickens, who is often credited with planting the seeds of social reform, by announcing the return of child labour to the UK. The ‘Little Society’ initiative will see academies turning part of the curriculum over to ‘work-style’ activities.

‘Since the Elementary Education Act of 1880 , a child’s right to work has been consistently eroded,’ Cameron said. ‘Young people are being forced to exist on the meagere pocket money handed out by their stingy parents, unable to break out of the cycle of parent-inflicted poverty. Besides, poor people’s children don’t really like school anyway.’

Young people will be able to gain practical skills like rubbish sorting, sweeping and, of course, chimney cleaning, while being paid in mobile phone credits, Quavers and Red Bull.

‘In one fell swoop, the thugs, mentals and ADHD twitch-arses have been removed. Fuckin’ A!’  a teachers’ spokesman said. ‘Now all we have to do is farm off the few sensitive twattish middle-class moppets remaining and we’re all on easy street.’

Child Sees No Reason Why Iron Man Costume Can't Be Worn To Grandfather’s Funeral

Arguing that he had been allowed to wear it in the past, local youth Andrew Robillard protested a parental edict barring his Iron Man costume from the upcoming funeral of his late grandfather.

From our Sponsor in a tax haven somewhere in La Manche

"The Neck Brush", designed to clean children's neck while they play (1950)

National News Latest

Ukip deputy leader denies being Bungle on Rainbow

Ukip deputy leader Paul Nuttall has denied being the actor who played Bungle the bear on kids TV show Rainbow.

The MEP for the North West’s Wikipedia page was edited to say he was the “original Bungle” - something Mr Nuttall told the Daily Mirror was “probably the funniest thing” he’d ever read about himself online.

Unfortunately, the MEP wasn’t even born when Rainbow started, in 1972.

Laurel and Hardy - 100 funny jokes by 100 comedians (Daily Telegraph)

Oliver Hardy: 'Didn't you once tell me that you had an uncle?'

Stan Laurel: 'Sure, I've got an uncle. Why?'

Oliver: 'Now we're getting somewhere. Is he living?'

Stanley: 'No. He fell through a trap door and broke his neck.'

Oliver: 'Was he building a house?'

Stanley: 'No, they were hanging him.'

From The Laurel-Hardy Murder Case (1930). Stan Laurel (1890-1965), Oliver Hardy (1892-1957).

Picture: Rex Features

Human Rights Act to be replaced with Warhammer rulebook

15-05-15  Daily Mash

THE Government has today confirmed that it will be replacing the Human Rights Act with Warhammer 40,000: The Rules. 

The 208-page science fiction wargame rulebook is seen as the ideal replacement because it allows every possible type of conflict to be resolved with only a handful of dice.

Justice secretary Michael Gove said: “The legal system is convoluted and impossible for the layman to understand. UsingWarhammer 40,000 we can reproduce that perfectly, but on a much smaller scale using beautifully painted miniatures.

“If you are claiming a right to privacy, for example, we roll two twenty-sided dice to determine your score, take away any debuffs – low income, being foreign – and measure it against the government’s own total.

“We make our rolls behind the books so you can’t see, but it’s all perfectly fair.”

The first case, a challenge of the government’s right to detain terror suspects without trial, has already been heard on Kulth the War World and ended in the defeat of the Imperium of Man by Tyranid Biomorphs without the right to appeal.

Gove added: “My office has been asked why we chose to use the science-fictional Warhammer 40,000 rules rather than the originalWarhammer Fantasy setting.

“Simply, we are not barbarians.”

Local Labour calls Election Inquiry - "Total disbelief"

Bognor Regis Labour Party is looking into how one if its candidates in Orchard Ward managed to defy national and local trends and get elected.   

A spokesperson said that after all the careful planning everywhere else, it had come as a huge shock: "Imagine, the last bloody place we expected it".  Meanwhile, party sources (HP) are playing down/up/on/off the significance of the vote gained by its candidate:  "Er, this is the 21st Century, you can't read anything into the number 666".   Meanwhile other councillors, local groups etc have been calling for a meeting of the Local Disasters Emergency Committee in case the Labour Councillor turns out to be a tsunami as predicted by soothsayer Nauline Pash.

Orchard Ward Succession Bid

Local distrust of all outside influences has led to the creation of Orcip, The Orchard Independence Party.   A local activist (who would not allow him/her/itself to be named at this time) said "We're fed up with daft rules made by politicians somewhere else, like Bognor or Arun or West Sussex or Britain or the EU or the World, Solar System, Galaxy etc etc,   We can make our own thanks."

S/he/it/they denied the new party was about immigration.  "It's simply a question of numbers, so we want to limit the number of people coming here from Littlehampton and other foreign places."

Orcip's economic policy has been unveiled ahead of its leadership election.   "Well, we all know that if we were to legalise cannabis  in our new independent nanostate  we would have a huge surplus income, full local employment, many home and small, even attic businesses, the vast resources of the Durban Road Industrial Heartland (and we will nanonationalise any who refuse to pay protection insurance).

"Defence?  We plan to introduce conscription for skateboarders to enhance their skills so we can deliver devastating and rapid responses to any incursions from outside our borders. "  

"Welfare?   Ah yes, well this is the nanostate after all?  Er, no more questions, thank you."   Orcip says it also will nano-lise public transport, including the Star 1 service, Southern Rail to its borders, and the current Bognor Regis Railway station which will be transformed to become Orchard International Travel Centre.  Also, it is a candidate for the siting of the new government, but also the old BL Building in Clifton Road is being looked at."

Popular Children's character falling out of favour?

Stunning discovery floors the religiously blinkered

Jesus curses the fig tree - Mark 11, 12-25

You've Got to be Joking - Eating Your Words - Today's Cartoon by Matt

the bACK pAGE - Miracle Resurrection?

Oh look, it's a man who came back from the dead after three 

days. And Jesus.

the bACK pAGE - Are you Game Dear....?

A true story. A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased by a cheetah. The wife told the...
Posted by Kevin Piper on Sunday, April 26, 2015

You've Got to be Joking - Caught by surprise? - Today's cartoon by Matt

Why the Tories have done so well in England

One answer. Immigration.  If anyone pretends that this Election, at root, for a majority of people was about anything else, either a) they are lying  b) they are dumb.  Or not so much about immigration as anti-immigrant sentiment.   Listen on a high street near you about 'all them [Poles] [please complete as appropriate] and you can't go anywhere and hear English spoken'.

This is about Change, and the reluctance of people to adapt when they are already pressured by changes wrought in their lives beyond their control, as they see it.   When low-paid immigrants arrive to live 12 to a caravan in fields up the road, work all hours, no one asks who's paying the low wages to them?   When police raid sites for illegals, which English companies are required to account for them being there?   Cockle pickers?  When was that?  Ah gangmasters, no it was them, we didn't need to ensure that every UK firm using such labour sources had to show they had checked the eligibility of people in their workplaces, on their sites to be there.  Think of the cost, man.

UKIP - ostensibly about EU, but truth to tell, its dishonesty is that they won't admit they pander to an anti-immigrant subtext, which Cameron also knows infests his party as grass roots, and Labour hasn't been innocent over the decades.   Read any vox-pop response (eg facebook) where UKIP was mentioned, and it was clear the anti-immigrant issue was what they identified in UKIP, and where Cameron had to offer (mais oui)  EU in-out referendum, which is what gave him the tools to deflate UKIP and defeat Labour.

So, 24 months max to said referendum.   Cameron looks secure as he storms into Number Ten, them pesky UKIP seen off and the red tide stemmed (again).   Let's get on with our austerity agenda (and we broke the Lib Dem fag (as in Public School, Clegg Minor) which Cameron knew the minute he got the little tyke into his study in Downing House in Westminster College).

BUT .... as he contemplates the referendum he will need to find a way to offer it in such a way that those voting chappies and chapesses won't rumble him as he says "stay in EU".   No wonder Farrago is saying "I quit, well at least for a while" - he knows that Cameron is most unlikley to be able to square that circle.   Fall on sword noble Miliband, hapless Clegg Minor, but Nigel has brought out his trick panto sword.  Oooch ouch the pain, the pain.

For Cameron to convince, he has to believe that the EU empathy gene is really still there, that he can 'get a deal' from Europe's other elected leaders.  Failure comes at the price of the public's faith in the blue agenda.

Square the circle?  More like tetrahedroning the oval ellipsoid.

What none of these shysters want to admit is that they must know the amount of racist undertow that will flow and become a strong current.   It may sweep a lot before it.

Yoiu've Got to be Joking - "No, I didn't quite vote ..." - Today's Cartoon by Matt

You've Got to be Joking - Royal birth set in stone? Today's Cartoon by Matt

You've Got to be Joking - Election candidates - who can you trust? Today's Cartoon from Matt

You've Got to be Joking - A premature decision? Today's Cartoon by Matt